I don't know why...
but this painting always makes me laugh.
Punch, Judy, wrap it up. It will look nice in the bathroom.
Bathroom?
I consider the bathroom more of a library than art gallery.
Judy!
Someone should frame that move because it was a masterpiece.
The kids are here.
But where's the den mother?
Hey! Huh!
Have you seen my latest piece?
It's called Bat Bits on Canvas.
Oops, gotta run.
Don't look at me like that. I'm going to be late.
Looks like Joker's gonna need some new goons.
See if you two can pick up his trail. I'll join you shortly.
Where are you going?
I have to deal with a whole other kind of craziness.
Hurry, hurry. Can't miss it.
Yes!
Here's Harley!
Hiya, folks.
Time for an hour of love and laughter with me, Dr. Harlene Quinzelle.
With Valentine's Day right around the corner...
Harley's here with helpful advice.
- Talk to me. - Hi, Harley.
Uh, there's this girl I like...
Three words Romeo, flowers, flowers, flowers.
And never take no for an answer. Have a good one, pudding.
What's your query, dearie?
Dr. Quinzelle, last week, you told a girl named Monica...
to ignore her parents' wishes and go out with a guy named Stan?
I remember. Two sweet, crazy kids in love.
I'm Monica's mother. Where do you come off telling her...?
Uh, sorry, folks. Just some nutcase.
I told you to screen those calls.
We'll be right back.
Think loving thoughts.
Pop psychology at its worst. That girl's theories are unfounded.
Her professional manner's a joke. And her training, if any, is shoddy at best.
I love this show!
The girl's more screw-loose than me.
Oh, Jimmy Herbert, network bigwig. What brings you to the set today?
Let me guess, in search of fashion advice?
Speaking of advice, what kind are you giving these people?
Are you questioning me?
Everyone who has an online degree in psychology, please raise your hand.
Oh, okay.
Then how about we let the professionals do their job, all right, hon?
This show is supposed to help people. You've turned it into a circus.
I know. And you wanna talk circus.
Wait till you see my Valentine's Day special.
Look, there won't be a Valentine's Day special if you keep this...
Oopsies, gotta get back. Latersville.
Welcome back. I've got a real treat for you.
An exclusive, very intimate one-on-one...
with Gotham's most elusive bachelor, Bruce Wayne.
Mmm. What's cooking, good-looking?
Well, Dr. Quinzelle...
Call me Harley. Everyone does.
Okay, Harley.
I'd like to talk about the Wayne Foundation's...
charity drive for crime victims.
Oh, civic-minded too. But let's talk about your love life.
Now, Harley, you promised I'd have a chance to promote the charity drive.
We want the juice, Bruce.
This is your secret life, Bruce Wayne.
- Uh-oh. - Bruce?
Oh, yeah.
You remember Kiki, don't you, Brucie?
Oh...
Well, she remembers you. And she's dishing the dirt.
He's faced some pretty nasty sneak attacks.
But nothing like this.
We have to save him.
It's too late, Robin. There's nothing we can do.
So we're having a nice dinner, and suddenly he's all:
"I have to see to some important business."
Out Bruce Wayne runs, leaving me to pay the check.
Oh, terrible. Just terrible.
About time someone stuck it to that rich oaf.
How about we take some calls now?
Hi, hi. You're on Heart to Heart With Harley.
Evening, Harley. Mr. J. here. Frequent watcher, frequent caller.
Great show tonight.
Mr. J., my favorite caller. Nice to hear from you again.
Well, I just wanted to say...
men like Bruce Wayne deserve to be baked into a giant pie...
and then launched into the side of a building.
Figuratively speaking, of course.
Gotta say, your mind works in interesting ways, Mr. J.
I've had enough of this. I'm out of here.
Uh-oh. Hey!
Hold your horses, Brucie. We're not done yet.
Oh, yes, you are. I'm sorry, Mr. Wayne.
Neither this woman nor this show will ever trouble you again.
You're no psychologist, you're a joke.
- But... - You're off the air.
Wha...? No...!
Oh, the poor kid.
Yanked in mid-show. She'll be an emotional wreck.
Someone should take advantage of that.
Face it, Harley.
No one's ever gonna take you seriously as a psychologist.
They just can't see past my playful exterior.
Story of my life.
Hello?
Dr. Quinzelle?
Forgive the intrusion, but I just had to meet you.
I'm your number one fan.
I'm Mr. J.
Huh?
Must admit, I'm surprised that you wanted to hang out.
Most ladies would find my lifestyle eccentric.
Oh, I may act goofy on TV, but I'm still a doctor.
Extreme personalities intrigue me.
And an extreme personality like yours might be the ticket to getting back my old show.
And maybe finally some respect.
Oh.
So you're stringing old Mr. J. along just to write some tell-all book?
I'll split the profits with you 50-50.
You've got moxie.
I feed moxie to the hyenas.
Sit!
You're good.
Now, what do you say we sit down and, you know...
have a heart to heart with Harley?
Hmm.
Oh, where do I begin?
I guess for as long as I remember, I always wanted to make people laugh.
I see.
The neighbors say they saw the doctor leave freely with Mr. J.
Wonder what he could want with her.
He saw a vulnerable person he could manipulate.
Someone good for a few laughs until he got bored.
And join us again next week when Batman analyzes...
the Freudian implications of Penguin's umbrella.
It's bad enough the network said I wasn't a real psychologist.
They said I was a joke.
I happen to like jokes.
Besides, there are worse names. I know, I've been called them.
Guess we have a few things in common, huh?
You know what two sad sacks like us need?
A night on the town.
I don't know. That seems awfully unprofessional.
- Consider it research for your book. - But what if...?
You're seen associating with a certified criminal whack-job?
A costume.
That way no one will know it's you.
Ha-ha!
Harlene Quinzelle becomes Harley Quinn.
No riders.
Oh!
Huh? What was that?
Hi, folks. Don't mind us.
Some fun, eh, kid?
Has anyone ever survived a night out with you?
There's a first time for everything.
Leave him alone!
Dr. Quinzelle?
Call me Harley Quinn.
What are you doing?
- Joker's a psychopath. - Huh?
Better than what you are. A third wheel!
Hold this for me, will you? Thanks.
Here's our floor.
Fear not. Salvation is at hand.
A little trick I borrowed from Penguin. Remind me to send him a fish.
Authorities are at a loss to explain...
how the diamond was stolen from the high-security vault.
And a police investigation is underway.
In other news, there is still no official word...
on the bizarre transformation of Dr. Harlene Quinzelle.
Huh?
According to eyewitness accounts, the doctor has been sporting a new look...
while keeping time with Gotham's most wanted wacko.
Noted TV psychologist Elliot Blaine offered this observation.
It's no surprise that Dr. Quinzelle jumped the track.
She was a sad, needy person who tried to fill the void in her own soul...
by dispensing superficial relationship advice to others.
What?
I'll have a full profile of Dr. Quinzelle tonight on my primetime special.
Ah, you big phony.
That was supposed to be my Valentine's special.
Happy Valentine's Day, kid.
I brought you something.
What?
Pretty.
Oh...
I wanted to give you a present for all the fun we've been having.
What is it that you want?
Ah, that's what I want. To get even with those jerks.
I was trying to help people and now I'm the bad guy?
More of an accomplice, actually.
They should all suffer.
Sounds like a hoot.
What we have with Harlene Quinzelle is a textbook case of a woman...
deluded by a fantasy image of herself as a healer and caregiver.
Hey, doc. I got a text bookcase for you.
Hi, hi, Gotham. Harley's back for a special farewell show.
Woo-hoo.
Keep your seats, people. The little lady's just warming up.
Oh, that's right, pudding.
I'm going to set the record straight.
Then finish my broadcasting career with a big bang!
Let's go.
What? We can't wait for the commercial?
So you didn't like my show?
Well, try this one.
When Animals Attack People I Hate!
It's a comedy.
You're canceled. Again.
Huh?
Oh, thanks, sweetie.
Now, drag her outside and Joker-gas her or something.
You, ordering me around?
Don't go too far.
I've indulged you only because it amused me.
Yes, sir.
You little imp. I can never stay mad at you.
Uh-oh.
Don't move.
Very funny.
You bats won't pull the plug on my special.
What have you done?
They sent me down in flames. So I'm returning the favor.
There are three more bombs planted around this building.
Once they go, all Gotham Broadcasting comes tumbling down.
Show the man, Harley.
Ha!
Not gonna happen.
I'm okay. Help the audience.
This way, people.
Time to make tracks, boys.
So long, little Harley Quinn. It's been fun.
The Joker doesn't care about anyone but himself.
He never has and he never will.
You'd think a psychologist would know better.
Huh?